


Past Imperfect

by OrmondSacker



Series: Fulcra [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Child Abandonment, Family Secrets, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Jedi Rey, Jedi Training, Master & Padawan Relationship(s), Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-06-04 01:21:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6635245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrmondSacker/pseuds/OrmondSacker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are many things to learn as an aspiring Jedi: lightsaber sparring, mental discipline and a few more esoteric things such as how to bring back memories with vivid clarity. But some memories might be better left forgotten.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Past Imperfect

**Author's Note:**

> Betaed by [Lucycantdance.](https://lucycantdance.tumblr.com)

Taking another deep breath and exhaling slowly, Rey tried to focus her mind and open herself to the Force the way Luke had been teaching her, but to no avail. Her thoughts still kept skittering about like sun-maddened ziin.

Sighing deeply, the young woman finally gave up her attempts, rose from her cross-legged position, then stretched and started to head up the steep hill to the view point at the top of the island.

The wind blew chill across the broken land and Rey wrapped the robe Luke had lent her more tightly about her body.

The incline was steep, but used as she was to scaling the interior of Star Destroyers it was an easy climb and nothing new to her. Something that was new to her was that she could make the climb without worrying about the energy she expended and if she'd have enough later to scavenge to get food. Of all the things that had happened to her over the last couple of weeks, the simple fact that she no longer had to worry about how to get her next meal was the greatest change of all.

That and having friends.

Chewie certainly counted as a friend, though she wasn't seeing much of him since he was spending most of his time working on the Falcon. She assumed it was his way of coping with Han's death. She wished she could help him, but she wasn't sure how. She'd tried talking to him, but the Wookie had always changed the subject. Not that she blamed him for not wanting to talk, just thinking about what had happened on that bridge made her chest feel tight and achy.

That was the downside of having friends, losing them _hurt_.

_Like- No, Finn wasn't dead. Dr. Kalonia had said he'd be fine and surely she'd have sensed something if- She was a Jedi after all, or going to be one. What good was the Force if you couldn't even sense how your friends were?_

She reached the top of the cliff and gazed out over the sea that engulfed the island. It reminded her of the desert of Jakku, only it was blue instead of yellow. But the way the waves rose and dipped looked a bit like dunes. It made Ach-To seem a little less strange despite its cold air and damp climate.

The wind tugged at her robe and Rey grabbed its edges, wrapping it more tightly to shield off the chill winds as she stared out over the ocean, her thoughts going back to the topic that had distracted her from her meditations.

Memory control.

It was something Luke had mentioned in passing during that morning's instructions, that there was a technique taught by the old Jedi that could bring back memories with perfect clarity, and she hadn't been able to get it out of her head since. During the... vision she'd had she'd briefly re-experienced what it had felt like when she had been left on Jakku, but she recalled nothing else about it. Who left her and why was an even larger mystery to her now than before. Part of her had always been convinced that she had been left by her family and that they intended to come back for her, but now she was questioning that. Unfortunately, her memory of the time was a void.

But with that memory technique...

The question was if she could convince Luke to teach her, or if it would fall under what he called 'frivolous or self-serving uses of the Force'.

There was only one way of finding out, and that was asking him. And anyway, it was nearly dinner time.

 

**oOoOo**

 

Despite the company of Luke and Chewie, dinner was as silent an affair as Rey was used to, the Wookie morosely poking at the stew and Skywalker lost in his own thoughts as he often was. The food was far more plentiful though and Rey scarfed down two whole bowls, mopping up the final dregs with a chunk of bread.

Chewie disappeared again the moment they were done eating, Rey stayed behind and helped clean up. Luke was the one who interrupted the quiet.

“What is on your mind, Rey?”

“Am I thinking too loudly?”

“I wouldn't need the Force to sense that there is something troubling you. You still worry about... Finn?”

Rey sighed.

“A little. But we're going back soon, aren't we?”

“As soon as the initial part of your training is done. I would prefer to take longer, but the galaxy doesn't seem to want to conform to my wishes.”

The last was said with the dry humor that the Jedi Master displayed now and again. It had felt contradictory with the mythical person Rey had expected and it made both him and her whole situation feel very real.

His stubborn insistence that she complete the first parts of her training before he was willing to leave, was another. The first few days both she and Chewie had argued, wheedled and cajoled to try and get him to leave earlier, but Luke had remained adamant on the topic. In the end Rey had figured that the most expedient way to get him to move was to complete that training.

“If it's not your friend, what is it?”

She might as well just go on and ask. Taking a deep breath Rey forged ahead.

“Remember that memory thing you mentioned this morning?”

Luke nodded.

“Can you teach me how to do it?”

“Why do you want to learn that specific technique?”

“Because I want to remember! I have this large hole in my memory where everything before and during me being left on Jakku is just... gone. Nothing! And I want to know! I _need_ , to know.”

Luke was pouring water in the kettle to make tea as he did every evening, but stopped and turned to her.

“Rey, have you considered that you may have forgotten for a reason? That what happened was so painful that your mind decided it was better that you forget?”

Rey huffed.

“My brain might have been trying to help at the time, but it's not helping now. Nothing can be worse than not knowing. Nothing!”

Luke closed his eyes briefly.

“I would disagree with you on that.”

“Do _you_ have a large gaping hole in your memory?”

Skywalker shook his head.

“Then you don't know what you're talking about.”

Luke frowned and fell silent, returning to his tea making. She considered pushing it, but a lifetime of struggling to survive on her own had taught her when to talk and when to shut up, when negotiating a deal. Instead she settled down and waited in patience.

Only when he was done did he look at her again.

“There is much to consider in this. I will give you an answer in the morning.”

Rey wanted to argue and it took her considerable effort to hold back. She knew doing it was futile and it was better than an outright no, so she merely nodded and rose to her feet.

“If there isn't anything else tonight I'll go help Chewie with the Falcon.”

Luke nodded for her to go.

Even if Chewie didn't want to talk, Rey could at least make sure he wasn't alone with his grief.

 

**oOoOo**

 

The next morning Luke said nothing about Rey's request before or during breakfast and the young woman felt like screaming from pent up frustration. Only when they were alone again did the Jedi speak.

“I will teach you what you asked.”

Rey straightened up in delight.

“ _But_ , there are conditions.”

She had figured as much.

Folding her arms she leaned back against the wall.

“Okay. What are the conditions?”

“This is something that cannot be explained, it can only be taught by mental contact between teacher and pupil. If you're uncomfortable with that we will postpone the lesson.”

Rey considered. She had had mental contact with Luke before, but only in brief brushes as they had worked on building up her control and mental defences. To receive instructions for something through a mental connection? That was something altogether different and likely far more intense.

The difference for Rey was that Luke felt nothing like Kylo Ren. Or he did, but at the same time he didn't. Though of the two of them she would have judged Luke the far more terrifying one should he ever unleash the full extent of his strength, in him it always lay bound, harnessed under his will and tamed by a kind heart. For all his power, Rey had never felt afraid of him.

“Accepted. What else?”

“You will not attempt to use this to access the memory you seek on your own, that is something we will do together.”

Rey frowned.

“I don't want you to face whatever it is your mind chose to bury alone,” Luke elaborated.

“Okay.”

Luke seemed surprised by her ready agreement, but Rey remembered the pain and fear she had felt in her vision all too vividly and the thought of Luke being there with her was comforting.

“More?” she asked.

Luke shook his head.

“So,” she continued. “How do we do this?”

“Let us go out on the terrace.”

This early in the day, the terrace in front of Luke's dwelling was bathed in sunlight, the low ruined walls that surrounded it offering some protection from the wind and making it comfortably warm, even for Rey. She wasn't sure what kind of purpose the building that Luke had chosen to inhabit had originally served, but it was clear that it was old like all the other half ruined structures on the island. Very old. Some of the ruins on the island had an almost ceremonial feel to them, but none of it added up to anything that made much sense to her.

They sat down on low bench that was pushed up against one of the walls.

“Close your eyes and breathe as I have taught you.”

Rey folded her hands in her lap and did as instructed. She felt the fingertips of Luke's organic hand touch her temple and then he was there, his presence hovering at the edge of her mind waiting for her to relax fully.

 _*Join me*_ His words resonated in her mind.

Feeling herself swallow, Rey picked up her courage and reached out to Luke's mind.

Intense was one word for it. It felt like standing in the middle of a sandstorm, yet being protected from it. Once she was comfortable the old Jedi proceeded.

_*Observe*_

Rey could immediately see why it would have been impossible for Luke to explain the technique, it would have been like trying to explain tightrope walking or fighting.

_She was standing in a giant hangar, dozens of starships around her. Right in front of her was the Millenium Falcon, though in much better shape than she remembered seeing it. The air was thick with coolants, hyperdrive fluid and oil. In the background several voices were speaking some distance away._

_Han Solo came down the ship's lowered ramp, but not as Rey remembered him. This Solo's face was unlined by age, his hair dark, and he moved with the limberness of youth._

_Pain and grief flared in her chest._

_The man turned and looked up at the top of the Falcon._

_“Chewie, have you got it yet?”_

_A negative roar came from above._

_“Well, try again.”_

_Turning Solo looked straight at her._

_“What do you want, kid?”_

_A mixture of frustration and amusement flowed through her._

_“Don't you think I'm a little old for that name by now?”_

_She felt her lips move, but the voice wasn't hers. It was deeper and the way it pronounced the words was so different._

_*Oh, of course. Luke.*_

_*Don't lose focus.*_

_Solo grinned, a smile that wouldn't change in thirty years._

_“Of course, Master Jedi.” The smuggler gave a slightly mocking bow._

_“You can save your manners for my sister. That's why I'm here actually, your wife wants you.”_

_“A Jedi Master working as a messenger boy?”_

_“He does when his sister asks him to. It seems your comlink isn't working.”_

_Solo sighed._

_“Did you two fight again?”_

_“No! It's just... being married is very different from what I imagined. You'll see when your time comes.”_

_Luke shook his head._

_“I won't have time for that, I have too much to do.”_

_Solo's snort spoke volumes._

_“Don't think I haven't seen the eyes you make at-”_

_“She's a student!”_

_Solo's eyebrows rose._

_“And a friend. But that's all.”_

_The words were met with a shake of Solo's head._

_“Go talk to Leia,” Luke replied. “Before she comes down to get you.”_

With that Rey found herself back in her own body, facing the shining sun of Ach-To.

“That was-”

“A long time ago.”

Skywalker's gaze was distant, his voice laced with the same sadness as the memory had been. Then he shook himself and looked at her.

“You will experience whatever memory you choose as you did at the time it occurred. Do you remember what I did?”

Rey nodded.

“In that case it is your turn. Pick a memory and do as I did.”

Rey closed her eyes again.

_What should she pick?_

Luke deserved to see something happy after that, unfortunately Rey didn't have lot of happy memories. Unless you counted occasionally going to bed on a full stomach.

_Oh! Of course._

Focusing, Rey did her best to imitate what Luke had done. It was a little slow and more than a bit clumsy, but she got it in the end.

_The central room of the Millenium Falcon was covered in junk, the walls grimy with age. Her heart was still racing and she felt slightly giddy from the fading adrenalin of their flight and the mutual praising session._

_In front of her the smile faded from the young man's face as she asked him his name._

_“Finn. What's yours?”_

_“I'm Rey.”_

_A tremor from outside her memory flowed through her, carrying a sense of shock._

Blinking Rey looked at Luke, startled at being tossed out of her memory so abruptly. The older man sat as if stunned, his eyes blank with tears.

“Are- are you okay?”

Luke swallowed and looked at her.

“I... apologize. Did I hurt you?”

“No, I'm fine. You don't look to be though. I sorry, I didn't think seeing Finn would upset you.” A wild thought occurred to her. “Do you know him?”

She couldn't imagine how or when the Jedi Master could possibly have met the ex-Stormtrooper, but his reaction had been so _strong_.

“I-” The Jedi Master visibly pulled himself together. “He reminds me of... someone I once knew.”

Luke's voice was hoarse as he spoke and his eyes were distant again.

Rey sat silent, not knowing what to say. She hadn't meant to make him feel sad again. Awkwardly she reached out and put a hand on his arm.

They sat in silence for a time, the only sounds the wind and the waves, then Luke brought himself back to the present.

“Rey, I want you to continue practicing on your own. You need more experience with this before we continue, but do not under any circumstances-”

“-try to access _that _memory on my own,” Rey cut him off. “Yes, got it the first time Master Skywalker.”__

“Will you keep your promise?”

“I don't make them if I don't intend to.” Rey's tone was mildly offended and it brought a tiny smile to Luke's face.

“Very well. I shall leave you to practice on your own then.”

The Jedi rose and Rey followed him with her eyes as he walked up the hill to the top of the island.

Sighing she settled back against the wall and let the sun warm her skin, thinking.

_What should she choose this time? Finn again? Who did he remind Luke of? It sounded like someone who had died, someone the Jedi Master had loved._

A chill stole over her despite the heat of the sun.

_No, Finn was fine. She refused to believe anything else._

She didn't consider reaching out for him with the Force. She had tried that once, two days after she got here, only to receive a very stern warning from Master Skywalker. They were fairly well shielded here, but trying to reach out over the distance required would make her and their location stand out and immediately draw the attention of Snoke. Instead Rey forced her thoughts back to her lesson.

Riding her speeder, she missed that. That would be a good memory to bring back.

 

**oOoOo**

 

That evening after dinner Luke tested her progress.

“You've come far. You're doing very well with this, it seems you have a talent for mind affecting techniques.”

Rey looked down at her boots. She knew Luke meant it as praise, but she was unsure how she felt about it. The Stormtrooper had been necessity, desperation, not something she enjoyed doing. This? This seemed far more innocent on the surface, but still, if applied to someone else, especially against their will...

“And you seem very conscious of the possibilities of abuse. That's good,” Luke continued.

She looked up to meet his eyes.

“I don't like other people messing in my head. Doesn't seem fair to go mess in other people’s heads.”

Luke simply nodded at that.

“If you feel up to it, we can attempt to retrieve the memory you seek tomorrow.”

Rey's eyes widened in surprise.

“That was... fast.”

Luke chuckled.

“When I said you have a talent I meant it. That trick usually takes weeks to even get the hang of and months to master, even for someone with much more training than you currently have.”

“You thought this would take me weeks?” Rey said, faintly outraged.

“You didn't ask. Someone as savvy as you should at least have thought of asking for a few more details. Rey, don't let your desire for something blind you to all else.” Luke sounded faintly amused and Rey huffed in indignation. It was a lesson she'd learned long ago, but it appeared she could do with some reminding. In her defense, she never imagined the Jedi Master would do something so... underhanded.

“Your progress has been impressive in everything, but no, I didn't think you'd get the hang of it this fast. I thought the time practicing would give you time to consider if this was something you truly wanted to do. Still, I made you a promise and I will keep it.”

Rey thought briefly.

“I do want this. Tomorrow, then?”

“Tomorrow,” Luke agreed.

 

**oOoOo**

 

“Are you ready?”

They were seated once more on the bench outside Luke's home. Unlike the day before it was clouded and windy, with a hint of dampness in the air that warned of rain to come later.

Rey nodded. Now that it was happening she didn't feel entirely ready, but she wasn't going to feel any better just because they postponed it.

She closed her eyes and proceeded to breathe and calm herself, as she had the day before, but stopped short of trying out the memory enhancement. Only once she felt Luke's presence at the edge of her mind did she proceed.

_She was sitting on the edge of the bed, swinging her short legs back and forth, letting the heels of her shoes bang against the side, the skirt of her dress flying up every time she raised a leg. Her mother didn't like it when she did that, it was noisy and undignified, and her daughter should behave better than that. But her mum wasn't here and she was bored._

_She had thought being on board a space ship would be fun and exciting, seeing the stars up close and all of that vast space, but it was just boring. It didn't help that her mother hadn't let her leave the cabin and there was no window to look out of here._

_No, not window. It wasn't called a window on a space ship, but she couldn't remember the right word._

_She bit her lip and could feel a frown forming between her brows._

_She_ hated _forgetting. Her mum didn't like it either, her daughter was supposed to smart._

_The door lock beeped. She immediately stilled her legs. It could only be her mother, no one else came to the cabin._

_Lithe and graceful, with long reddish blonde hair, her mother wasn't physically imposing, but she had commanding air about her, and the dominant nose and pointed chin made her look stern. There might have been more beautiful or striking women in the galaxy, but she didn't care. To her, her mother was perfect and no other woman came close._

_Right now though, she was making her nervous. Her mother was frowning, her face looking grim, like she did when her daughter had done something she shouldn't. Except she didn't always know what it was she had done wrong._

_Then her mum broke into a smile and she could feel herself exhale. It would be fine now._

_“Rae, darling. We're almost there, so no need for you to ask. Again.” Her mother's clipped voice held a slightly joking tone she rarely heard._

_“Come over here and I'll do your hair. And then we'll get you dressed.”_

_“But-” She cut herself off. Arguing nearly always put her mother in a bad mood and she really didn't like it when her mum was in a bad mood. But today the woman didn't seem to mind._

_“I know you're dressed, but this place is a little... rough. We'll dress to fit in. Now come here.”_

_Once her hair was done up in three neat little buns, her mother put out her clothes._

_She frowned. There was a shirt of a kind and a pair of boots and trousers, all in a strange gray white color._

_“Mum?”_

_“Put them on sweetheart. You're old enough to dress yourself.”_

_She took off the dress she was wearing, folding it neatly and putting it on the chair, before putting on the strangely colored clothes. They were coarse and made her skin itch._

_When she turned back around she saw that her mother had changed as well. Unlike her usual black garb, she was now wearing an off-white tunic and a pair of brown trousers that were tucked into scuffed boots. She had never seen her mother look so... scruffy._

_“Not my usual taste, but it'll do for this.”_

_She noticed a subtle change in the whine of the engine. They'd left hyperspace._

_“Want to see our landing?”_

_“Yes!”_

_Her mother held out her hand and she took it. Then her mother knelt down beside her and looked her in the eye. She had never seen her look so serious before._

_“Rae, before we leave. Do you remember what I told you?”_

_She bit her lip, uncertain._

_“You've told me lots of things.”_

_Her mother nodded._

_“That you must always be proud, determined-”_

_“-self-disciplined and never rely on the help of others. Yes, I remember.”_

_Her mother ruffled her hair._

_“Good girl. Now come.”_

_Rising to her feet again, her mother led them out of the cabin and forward through the ship until they reached the cockpit._

_There was a human male in the pilot's seat and he straightened the moment he saw them. It wasn't unusual, people always did that when her mother was around. Her mum always said it just showed how powerful a woman she was._

_“Mistress Ke-”_

_She saw her mother silence him with a look._

_She tried very, very hard to act the way her mother had taught her always to act in public, to stand up straight, look straight ahead and not look interested in anything around her, but it was hard. Right in front of her was the view port – that, that was the right word, she remembered – and through it she could see so many stars and the planet that was right ahead._

_“My daughter wishes to see our landing.”_

_The man simply nodded._

_“Go on, sweetheart.” her mother waved her hand, indicating that she should step forward._

_She wanted to run, but made herself walk slowly forward until she was right up against the consoles._

_The planet was looming in front of her, growing larger every second. Yellow-white and bright, it almost seemed to shine with a light of its own, rather than with that of the nearby star._

_“It is Jakku, my dear.”_

_She looked back at her mother who had come up to stand right behind her._

_“You mean where...”_

_“Where the Empire foolishly surrendered.”_

_She could feel that the man in the pilot's seat wanted to say something, maybe object, then he turned his head and focused on flying again, and she exhaled softly. Her mother always got angry when the Empire's defeat was brought up._

_She knew she was named after a Rae that had fought valiantly at Jakku, for the Empire, but that the foolishness of her superiors had cost her her life and the Empire its victory._

_The planet kept growing, until it filled out all of the view port. Then their descent flattened out and a bit of the horizon came into view as they continued towards the surface._

_They landed near a... she wasn't sure she'd ever heard a word that could cover whatever this place was. It wasn't large enough to be a town and even village didn't cover it as it was made up entirely of old containers with canvas strung between them to shield the... inhabitants from the scorching rays of the sun._

_“Come.”_

_Her mother waved her to follow._

_The landing ramp lowered and she was met by a wave of heat unlike anything she'd ever known. It felt almost like a physical assault. And the air smelled strange, dry and dusty. She didn't like it at all._

_“Stand up straight.”_

_Her mother strode down the landing ramp and she hurried to follow, trying to maintain her dignity, but it was hard, her mother walked so fast and her own legs were short. Her mother was looking about, clearly searching for something. Grabbing hold of one of the locals, her mother barked out words in a language she didn't understand. The local pointed off to their right so her mother must have asked for directions._

_Their destination was a low building, made out of metal. Her mother banged on the door._

_“Oi! If you damage anything-”_

_The door opened and out stepped the biggest, meanest looking alien she'd ever seen. It – he? – was huge with yellowish skin and smelled worse than anything she'd ever smelled before._

_He looked at her mother._

_“You? What are you doing here?”_

_“Calling in what you owe me.”_

_The alien grunted._

_“Come on in.”_

_She started to follow._

_“Stay out here, Rae.”_

_Her mother followed the alien into the metal building, leaving her outside._

_Curiously she looked about. There were all sorts of aliens here; she didn't even know the name of most of the species, though she thought she recognized a Nikto over by the water trough._

_It was unbearably hot and she was beginning to feel thirsty, but she could see no water except that in the trough and she wasn't_ that _thirsty._

_She folded her hands in front of herself and straightened up, trying her best to remain patient._

_The door to the metal dwelling banged open and her mother strode down the steps, the alien close on her heels._

_“You can't be-”_

_Her mother snapped around on her heels._

_“You will do as I said. Remember what you owe me.”_

_The alien stopped dead, grumbling under his breath. Her mother turned back and walked up to her._

_“Rae, I need you to stay here for a while, but if you remember what I told you I'll come back for you sweetheart. I promise.”_

_She looked up, not understanding her mother's words._

_Her mother turned towards the ship and began to walk away. She immediately tried to follow, but a large hand grabbed hold of her arm, holding her back. The nauseating smell of the alien filled her nose._

_“No! Come back!”_

_She felt a weird tug in her as she strained against her captor, then a sharp tug on her arm physically pulled her back._

_“Quiet girl.”_

_The strange tugging feeling came again._

_*Rey. Rey!*_

_She fought fiercely against the hand that kept pulling her and lashed out against the alien-_

_*REY!*_

Both her hands were pushed against cold stone, the face of a bearded human male looming over her.

“Rey.”

Pale blue eyes were staring into hers with concern.

“Rey?”

She nodded, feeling tears stream down her cheeks. Tugging her hands free of Luke's grip, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and buried her face in his robe. His arms came up to hold her.

Luke smelled of grass, smoke and sea air, nothing at all like Jakku or-.

She forced the memory away.

“Why? Why would she do that? Why didn't she keep her promise? I did as she said.”

“I wish I had an answer for you, Rey.”

Neither of them moved until large drops of rain began to fall from the darkening clouds. They both hurried inside and Rey left her teacher in the main room, continuing to the small one Luke had given her off the short corridor. She stopped just inside the door, leaning against the heavy wood as she furiously wiped away her tears, her breath coming in short hard gasps. Leaning her head back she felt her hair buns connect with the hard surface. Her chest clenched hard before breaking into fire.

Angrily she tore out the leather straps that held the buns, her long hair falling free around her face.

_“Ladies have long hair.”_

A disconnected memory of her mother's voice floated back to her. Strange. There was still a large gap in her memory from before, a void of nothing, and now she was grateful for that, but she knew beyond a doubt that her mother had once said that to her. More than once.

Looking at one stray lock of hair, her temper flared.

_Kriff long hair, she was no lady!_

She rooted around in the bureau's top drawer where she kept most of the few belongings she had brought with her, until she found her folding knife. Unfolding the blade she started sawing away at her hair, allowing the chopped off locks to fall to the floor.

The last lock dropping from her hand, Rey looked about for something to use as a mirror but found her room barren of reflective surfaces.

She went back into the main room, not meeting Luke's eyes as she headed to the small niche that functioned as a kitchen. Pulling a pan down off the wall she flipped it to get a look of herself. The blurred image didn't give her much to go on, but she looked scruffy.

_Good._

“I do have a mirror and a pair of scissors if you want them?” Rey almost jumped at Luke's voice coming from right behind her. “Those bangs are long enough they'll keep getting into your eyes. You'll either need to pin them back or cut them shorter.”

Annoyed, she tucked one of them behind her ear, but it slipped loose immediately, dropping into her field of vision. Rey huffed.

“Okay.”

Luke retrieved the items from his room.

“Do you want me to do it? Cutting your own hair can be something of a challenge.”

Rey shrugged and plopped down on a chair.

Luke's organic hand was callused, so unlike her mother's, and occasionally the rough skin or the joint of the durasteeel fingers of the other would snag a strand of hair, tugging it painfully, but Rey hardly noticed though Luke apologized every time it happened.

“There,” he finally said. “I'll probably never get a position as a professional hairdresser, but at least it doesn't look like you-”

“-chopped it off with a knife,” they ended in unison.

Rey still felt raw, but had herself together enough to make jokes, though both hers and Luke's smile fell away quickly.

“Sorry about that,” she muttered.

Luke put a hand on her shoulder.

“Of all the reactions you could have had to that, cutting your hair is fairly mild.” A sad smile formed on his lips. “My own reaction to learning what kind of man my father was, as opposed to who I had thought he was.... let's say it was a whole lot more dramatic.”

Rey looked at him curiously.

“I'll tell you about it sometime. Here.” He handed her the mirror. She took it and looked at herself.

Her uneven chops with the knife had left her hair only a few centimeters long in some places and Luke had taken the consequence and simply cut it all to that length. She had never had short hair and it looked very odd to her own eyes.

_Would people even recognize her like this?_

Still, she liked it. She gave the mirror back.

“Thank you.”

Luke nodded. “Do you want to talk?”

Rey sighed.

“There isn't a lot to talk about is there? She just... dumped me, my own mother. Without _any_ reason. And I don't think I ever knew why. She _said_ she was coming back. But she never did.”

“Perhaps she wasn't able to.”

“You mean, she died?”

“...it's possible. Few parents would leave their child in such a situation if they had a choice, much less let them remain there for years.”

Rey just shrugged, no longer sure what to believe. It felt like everything she knew, thought she knew, had been wrong.

Wrapping her arms around herself, she went to the window and looked out at the pouring rain.

“You were right, I should never have gone digging after those memories.”

“Perhaps we were both right. I _don't_ have a hole like that in my memories. I have no idea if remembering or not remembering is worse. Whether the knowledge is worth the pain, only you can answer.”

Rey didn't reply. If he had asked her this morning she would have said the memories were worth any price she'd have to pay. Now, she was not so sure.

She felt his hand on her shoulder again.

“We'll postpone today's lessons. Take the time you need.”

 

**oOoOo**

 

The sun had set and the rain clouds blown away, leaving the night clear and cold. Rey shivered despite her robe and she could see her breath forming in front of her face with every exhale.

She had spent the day thinking and meditating, trying to make sense of her new memory. But nothing seemed to fit anymore, none of her life made sense.

She kept hearing her mother say her name, Rae. Named after an Imperial officer.

_Had her mother been an Imperial, or a sympathizer? Had she been imprisoned for something she had done in service to the Empire and that was why she had never come back? Even on Jakku there had been many stories about the crimes committed by the Empire, had her mother been part of that? And hadn't it occurred to Luke, or had he simply not said anything hoping to spare her any more heartache?_

Whatever the truth was, it was clear that her family, her mother, wasn't who Rey had thought she was.

Rae. It sounded like the name of different person.

Maybe that wasn't so far off.

She thought of the Rebel pilot helmet she'd had had back on Jakku. Rey, that was how she'd read the name, literacy wasn't high on the list of survival skills on a desert world. The locals had told her stories about the woman, an X-wing pilot. She'd always thought that she'd been named after her.

 _And now she was named after that woman, wasn't she?_ Whoever she had once been, that girl was long gone now. She wasn't Rae named after an Imperial officer, she was Rey the scavenger, the survivor, the girl who had fought Kylo Ren and lived to tell about it. Rey who had named herself after a rebel pilot.

_Rey the Jedi?_

One day. When she'd completed her training.

And speaking of that. If Luke had his way he'd probably try and stay here until it was done. She couldn't let that happen. She'd promised Leia she'd bring him back and she would, even if she had to drag him. She always kept her promises.

Turning around, she headed back towards the house.

She knew she wasn't the only one of them that had painful memories, but Luke could no longer hide from his anymore than she could from hers. They both had to face what the past held, no matter how painful.

**Author's Note:**

> It seems I have a [tumblr](https://luminousfinn.tumblr.com/).


End file.
